illtema

What if Ashton Kutcher and Mark Cuban were running a Pro-sports reverse “Truman Show” on us, starring Terrell Owens and Stephon Marbury? It might explain why their careers have been so entertaining and soap opera-matic.

Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys today

Would I really be out of line if I started a rumor that Terrell Owens and Stephon Marbury have been playing a joke on all of us? Would it really be so hard to believe that they’ve been centerpieces of a decade-long reality series which gets its cue from “The Mole,” but resembles an ESPN Sportscenter commercial? It’s not so far-fetched, or is it? It appears that professional teams continue to invest in these team-killers, with the hopes that this go-around they’ll do what they haven’t been able to: change the franchise for the better. What management fails to realize is that from day one the only goal in these players’ minds is to be the center of attraction; even if it makes them alienate their fans and teammates and sink the franchise.

Think of it as “The Sports Producers 2009.” Mark Cuban and Ashton Kutcher are putting it all together, with some “creative input” from a team of consultants whose only qualifications were being the best at looking the other way in the face of obvious dysfunction. The list includes Donald Sterling, Drew Rosenhaus, Isiah Thomas, The Housewives of Orange County and the Grinch. Corporate sponsors were chosen for their expertise in the realm of failure. Partnerships were forged with FEMA, Celeb-Rehab, the Guantanamo Bay Correctional Facility and Crazy Eddie’s appliance center. Distributed by Hoping to Fail Productions.

The Alienator (Owens), and Franchise Suicide (Marbury) (seperate movie deals) have been laughing all the way to the bank, while unnecessarily soaking up the spotlight. Owens got a 12 million dollar signing bonus when he signed with the Cowboys, and Marbury made close to 20 million this season without playing a single minute.

It also must be pointed out that these GM’s can’t be given total credit for the mountains of money these two have raked in. After all you pay for the publicity that creates itself, because good or bad there is no such thing as bad publicity.

Owens and his emotions (great name for a Doo Wop group) made him the most sought after interview following Cowboys losses, and Marbury was written about on a daily basis on NBA rumor sites and forums.

Press coverage is key for such a scheme to work. The players have to incite media attention without begging for it. This makes it all believable. Can’t sell two guys like this without ample factual reporting. And naturally it’s best when it’s negative.

Who wants to hear about the good things they do? There’s no ratings in model behavior; (“That’s my quarterback,” “Walks like a duck, talks like duck,” and “I would love to finish my career in Italy.” Can’t forget “You gonna get in the truck?”) they truly have put their all into the results they’ve attained.

Naturally they were encouraged to piss off their coaches. Owens was referred to as “the player” by Coach Parcells, and that relationship might have punched Bill’s ticket to Miami. The two never spoke. After all, Parcells benched Bledsoe, and started Romo to appease Owens because Bledsoe wasn’t getting him the ball enough–Im sure it was because he couldn’t stand Owens. Romo had the ability to be quarterback, but no one had any confidence in him. Nobody thought about giving Romo a chance. Nobody. Not even in the CFL, NFL Europe or the Arena League. But because Romo initially made TO his primary target, things calmed down in Dallas. But just cause there’s calm doesn’t mean nifty producers like Kutcher and Cuban weren’t telling Terrell behind the scenes that he needs to take over the team and start “motivating” teammates.

They had a similar conversation during the interminable unravelling of the New York Knicks with Marbury. “Steph,” they said, quite connivingly, “You’re untouchable. Remind everyone that you’re the hometown kid and start acting like you’re not going anywhere. Make them want to trade you. Tell your teammates, fans and the media, that you don’t ‘give a shit’ that this team is imploding. Make sure you mention that you’ve got ‘mounds of dirt on your head coach’ while he’s on trial for sexual harassment.”

I’m sure these producers said a lot of things, but the underlying theme was “Don’t win when it counts and if your team sucks, let everyone know how you feel, every chance you get.”

That’s how you can be successfully unsuccessful and remain relevant.

And that sports fans, is how problematic players continue to make a living in the world of professional sports. Don’t put all the blame on the players–somewhere close by there’s a team of button-pushers and string-pullers, orchestrating a production predetermined for failure, with plenty of ahem, sponsorship in tow.

When the Celtics don’t make it to the NBA finals this June, expect all the blame to fall on Marbury. If TO doesn’t sign with another team, it might signal an end to this riotous era of giving out chances to players whose athletic ability takes a backseat to their personalities. Then again he might get another chance but he’s still the same person. Hi Pacman. I mean, “You ok, Pacman?”

(Sad) truth be told the Alienator and Franchise Suicide will thrive as an annoying, frustrating yet comedic reality show, even though we’ve got no patience left, and long ago reached our boiling points.

Athletics, Current Events

The NFL playoffs are set. I already know who’s going to the Super Bowl, but it’s interesting to breakdown the wild card match-ups

In the AFC we have the Colts playing the Bolts. This is an interesting game for about 5 seconds of thought. After that it’s a foregone conclusion that the Colts are going to win this game. The reason for this is Peyton Manning. He is in my opinion the best quarterback in football, and he’s that way perennially. No one can run the Colts’ system like he can. Coming into the season he was injured and I was shocked that a quarter into the season the Colts had a losing record, but I felt like that was only because Peyton had to get back into the swing of things. Sure enough they’re on a nine game winning streak coming into this game. They have a 6-2 record whether they’re playing on the road or at home. That’s scary. Especially for a team like the Chargers, who are stocked with talent and have been unable to get it done all season long. They just managed to squeak into the playoffs. They have an 8-8 record and you saw the Visa commercial where the hotel employee in San Diego told Peyton to take a hike, and he replied, “I just might. It’s so sunny in San Diego. I love it.” Also we can’t forget that the Chargers eliminated the Colts in the second round of the playoffs last year, so the revenge has long been simmering.

Colts 42 Chargers 27

The Ravens are playing the Dolphins in Miami and this game is a real hard one to call, but the edge here is going to the more mentally tough team, which is the Ravens. Record-wise both teams are evenly matched. The Dolphins are 5-3 at home and the Ravens have the same record on the road. The Ravens have been playing 16 straight weeks without a bye and they’ve won some big games in recent weeks, especially against the Cowboys in Texas, so this is a fearless team. The Dolphins on the other hand are just happy to be in the post-season picture. I don’t for one second feel like anyone on their team thinks they have a shot at going to the Super Bowl. The Ravens have some hold-overs from the 2001 wild card team that went to the Super Bowl, and beat the Giants 34-7. There’s one hold-over I’m referencing and his name is Ray Lewis. He can communicate to the younger players on the team that the Super Bowl is a realistic goal and he can tell them how they can make it there. Were some top seeds to fall two weeks from now the Ravens would be in a great position to return to the Super Bowl.

Ravens 24 Dolphins 14

In the NFC there are a pair of intriguing match-ups.

Atlanta versus Phoenix in the bird-bowl, will be Falcons’ rookie sensation Matt Ryan’s last stop on the incredible journey he’s been on this season. The best part about that is because he virtually wiped Mike Vick’s name from the memory of most Falcon fans, they’ll love him like he brought the title home to Georgia. Running back Michael Turner is equally a bright spot for a franchise that crumbled before everyone’s eyes last season. The reason why it’s all going to end this weekend is that they’re playing against a talented Cardinals team with Kurt Warner at the helm, and he’s already taken a team nobody believed in to the Super Bowl in 1999, and won. Like 1999, he’s got a pair of talented receivers in Boldin and Fitzgerald and a defense that is hard-working. The Cardinals have had their ups and downs this season, but they’ve been given a second chance by playing the Falcons at home, where they’re 6-2, while the young Falcons are 4-4 on the road. I’m not being so bold by discrediting the Falcons and their three game winning streak coming into this week. The Cardinals are 2-3 in their last 5 games, but the promise they showed early on in the season will help them beat the Falcons handily. This is a game that will get ugly early and you’ll see Kurt Warner show everyone why he’s still relevant in football at his age.

Cardinals 35 Falcons 10

Right now the Eagles are flying high, kind of like the Giants were last year and that makes them a very dangerous team. Nobody believes in them but themselves and their fans, and me, a little bit. The Eagles are not to be slept on, as they demonstrated yesterday by dismantling the Cowboys. They can get to the Super Bowl, plus they have the personnel to get it done. Their defense is frightening. Brian Westbrook is a freak of nature. Donovan McNabb is operating on all cylinders. This is a team that follows his lead, and Andy Reid knowing this, benched him a few weeks ago and it paid tremendous dividends. The Vikings are in for a real beating. I don’t for one second see them being able to match wits with the Eagles and this goes even if Adrian Peterson has the game of his career. Barring an injury to a critical player on the Eagles, they’ve got this game sewn-up. The Vikings simply don’t have the talent that the Cowboys do.

Eagles 28 Vikings 7

And my Super Bowl pick is as follows:

Manning Bowl 2009: Giants vs Colts. Giants take it 24-17.

Darkhorse pick: Ravens vs Eagles. Eagles take it 10-7.

Athletics

Editor’s note: Sean loves the Tarheels. This is his column but I’ve taken over it today.

Three High School stars are featured in a match-up between number-one ranked Mater Dei of California and number-two St Patrick of New Jersey in the Bank of America City of Palms Classic, a part of the Old Spice High School Showcase. Tune in at 4:30 EST on ESPN.

I can’t stand the UNC Tarheels Men’s Basketball program because they recruit the best players and have a great coach (Roy Williams). ESPN has given me more reason to hate them by televising a High School basketball game featuring the top two teams in the land and three of the top 50 players in the country, all of whom have commited to UNC.

The Wear twins, Travis and David, are two 6′10 forwards ranked 49th and 50th in the nation, respectively, and they play for Mater Dei in California. Travis is a skilled power-forward, and an average defender, but has a nice shooting touch. David is essentially the same player although ranked higher. Both of them have great hands and like to operate from the perimeter, but they need to become more aggressive.

St Patrick features Dexter Strickland ranked number-nineteen in the nation. He is a speedy, muscular guard who draws comparisons to Russell Westbrook of the Oklahoma City Thunder. He can go coast-coast in a matter of seconds and is a score-first type of guard. He’s got a decent three-point shot that needs to improve in order for him to become a problem for other teams.

For information youtube and myspace these prospects or just watch the game at 4:30 Eastern Time.

Athletics

A Denver fan shows his disgust with Lebron’s “Jordanesque” play, with a mean-mug at the end of last night’s first quarter.

Props are in order for ESPN snagging last night’s twin bill featuring Kobe versus Dwayne Wade and Lebron versus Carmelo. After watching the Lakers lose to the Heat, I eagerly awaited the game between Lebron and Carmelo. The reason for this is that I am of the belief that Carmelo is just as good as Lebron, but doesn’t play to his potential. So I thought it was going to be a good game, meaning I thought Carmelo was going to stick it to the player who has robbed him of the spotlight and endorsements ever since he entered the league, but after the first quarter I was speechless. Lebron had 14 points and six assists in the first 12 minutes of play. He was so amazing I thought about how lucky the Knicks would be to get him in 2010 when he’ll be at his scariest. I even went so far as to think the Cavs might win the championship this year, making Lebron’s move to the Knicks less painful for Cavs’ fans, but those quick thoughts were lost on how baffled I was at what I had just seen. The Denver fan who stared Lebron down like he killed his family, is the truest barometer of how insane Lebron James is, and after watching him outplay my team during the opening quarter of a nationally televised game, I’d be sitting there with the same facial expression which basically translates into “motherfucker,” in plain English.

in other Lebron news…courtesy of J.E. Skeets…

Via Mouthpiece Sports and And One, ESPN The Magazine reports that LeBron James and O’Shea ‘Ice Cube’ Jackson are teaming up to produce an ABC pilot based on The King’s life as a high school basketball stud.

The series, described as “Friday Night Lights-meets-Entourage,” will follow an inner-city 15 year-old prep star who is transplanted to a small town school and forced to come of age while dealing with media pressure, unscrupulous moneymen and the jealousy of his peers. [...]

“It’s a grounded character study of teenage life in small town America, but it’s also an exploration of the American Dream and the wish-fulfillment aspect of what his life has become,” said Matt Alvarez, President of CubeVision, who pitched the concept and is also an executive producer on the show.”

Fortunately, the only television I watch these days is NBA games, “The Office” and “Summer Heights High,” so that “Friday Night Lights-meets-Entourage” comparison really doesn’t do much for me. But hey, “Friday Night Lights” is good, right? I enjoyed the movie. “Ya’ll want to win put Boobie in.” Dramatic stuff.

Anyway, the LeBron-inspired pilot script should be finished shortly so, if ABC approves it, production on the show could begin as early as this spring, with a possible fall ‘09 premiere.

In the meantime, I’ll see if I can track down leaked episode summaries like I did with Gilbert Arenas’ new reality show. I may not watch a lot of TV, but I’m extremely well-connected. Call me Ari.

Athletics