The (Non) Producers
What if Ashton Kutcher and Mark Cuban were running a Pro-sports reverse “Truman Show” on us, starring Terrell Owens and Stephon Marbury? It might explain why their careers have been so entertaining and soap opera-matic.
Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys today
Would I really be out of line if I started a rumor that Terrell Owens and Stephon Marbury have been playing a joke on all of us? Would it really be so hard to believe that they’ve been centerpieces of a decade-long reality series which gets its cue from “The Mole,” but resembles an ESPN Sportscenter commercial? It’s not so far-fetched, or is it? It appears that professional teams continue to invest in these team-killers, with the hopes that this go-around they’ll do what they haven’t been able to: change the franchise for the better. What management fails to realize is that from day one the only goal in these players’ minds is to be the center of attraction; even if it makes them alienate their fans and teammates and sink the franchise.
Think of it as “The Sports Producers 2009.” Mark Cuban and Ashton Kutcher are putting it all together, with some “creative input” from a team of consultants whose only qualifications were being the best at looking the other way in the face of obvious dysfunction. The list includes Donald Sterling, Drew Rosenhaus, Isiah Thomas, The Housewives of Orange County and the Grinch. Corporate sponsors were chosen for their expertise in the realm of failure. Partnerships were forged with FEMA, Celeb-Rehab, the Guantanamo Bay Correctional Facility and Crazy Eddie’s appliance center. Distributed by Hoping to Fail Productions.
The Alienator (Owens), and Franchise Suicide (Marbury) (seperate movie deals) have been laughing all the way to the bank, while unnecessarily soaking up the spotlight. Owens got a 12 million dollar signing bonus when he signed with the Cowboys, and Marbury made close to 20 million this season without playing a single minute.
It also must be pointed out that these GM’s can’t be given total credit for the mountains of money these two have raked in. After all you pay for the publicity that creates itself, because good or bad there is no such thing as bad publicity.
Owens and his emotions (great name for a Doo Wop group) made him the most sought after interview following Cowboys losses, and Marbury was written about on a daily basis on NBA rumor sites and forums.
Press coverage is key for such a scheme to work. The players have to incite media attention without begging for it. This makes it all believable. Can’t sell two guys like this without ample factual reporting. And naturally it’s best when it’s negative.
Who wants to hear about the good things they do? There’s no ratings in model behavior; (“That’s my quarterback,” “Walks like a duck, talks like duck,” and “I would love to finish my career in Italy.” Can’t forget “You gonna get in the truck?”) they truly have put their all into the results they’ve attained.
Naturally they were encouraged to piss off their coaches. Owens was referred to as “the player” by Coach Parcells, and that relationship might have punched Bill’s ticket to Miami. The two never spoke. After all, Parcells benched Bledsoe, and started Romo to appease Owens because Bledsoe wasn’t getting him the ball enough–Im sure it was because he couldn’t stand Owens. Romo had the ability to be quarterback, but no one had any confidence in him. Nobody thought about giving Romo a chance. Nobody. Not even in the CFL, NFL Europe or the Arena League. But because Romo initially made TO his primary target, things calmed down in Dallas. But just cause there’s calm doesn’t mean nifty producers like Kutcher and Cuban weren’t telling Terrell behind the scenes that he needs to take over the team and start “motivating” teammates.
They had a similar conversation during the interminable unravelling of the New York Knicks with Marbury. “Steph,” they said, quite connivingly, “You’re untouchable. Remind everyone that you’re the hometown kid and start acting like you’re not going anywhere. Make them want to trade you. Tell your teammates, fans and the media, that you don’t ‘give a shit’ that this team is imploding. Make sure you mention that you’ve got ‘mounds of dirt on your head coach’ while he’s on trial for sexual harassment.”
I’m sure these producers said a lot of things, but the underlying theme was “Don’t win when it counts and if your team sucks, let everyone know how you feel, every chance you get.”
That’s how you can be successfully unsuccessful and remain relevant.
And that sports fans, is how problematic players continue to make a living in the world of professional sports. Don’t put all the blame on the players–somewhere close by there’s a team of button-pushers and string-pullers, orchestrating a production predetermined for failure, with plenty of ahem, sponsorship in tow.
When the Celtics don’t make it to the NBA finals this June, expect all the blame to fall on Marbury. If TO doesn’t sign with another team, it might signal an end to this riotous era of giving out chances to players whose athletic ability takes a backseat to their personalities. Then again he might get another chance but he’s still the same person. Hi Pacman. I mean, “You ok, Pacman?”
(Sad) truth be told the Alienator and Franchise Suicide will thrive as an annoying, frustrating yet comedic reality show, even though we’ve got no patience left, and long ago reached our boiling points.