illtema

Ok so if you know me, you probably know that I have spent nearly the same amount of time that people spend driving, in Court, for tickets. I’m going to spread the knowledge I’ve gained through my troubles so you don’t have to learn the hard way, like I did. The best way to get out of a ticket is not to get one, pretty simple right? Wrong!

The laws of the jungle apply: you want to blend in and not stand out. The type of car you drive definitely plays a huge role in this cat and mouse game. A sports car will grab more attention then a 4-door grocery-getter will. Just as important as the type of car is the color. The brighter your car is the more it stands out, thus attracting more attention. This doesn’t mean if you own a Black car you have a greater right to put the pedal to the metal, it just means when you’re driving like an ass hole you wont stick out as much.

The more modifications you have done to your car the more unwanted attention you’ll receive. This includes neon lights, loud bass, tinted windows, and the ever-so-popular ricer fart can. These things may make you look cool at your local 7-11 but Officer Oinker doesn’t care for them.

The appearance of your car says a lot about the person behind the wheel, according to the Police. I’m not talking about nice 20 inch rims on a Cadillac, I’m talking about leaving 4-week-old food in the back seat. I’m pointing to the bird shit patterned out on your hood next to the rusty dents from years earlier. The condition of your car in conjunction with how you act is how the cop will perceive you. A great example of this is occurred while I was borrowing my friend’s truck to go pick up some kegs. I got nabbed for driving straight in a left-hand-turn only lane. So the cop walks up, and sees that I have 4 kegs in the truck, so that’s one conclusion. My friend’s back seat is a mess, so that’s the second conclusion and the icing on the cake was when I opened the glove box to look for his insurance / registration and 20 parking tickets fall out. Needless to say I got the ticket. No amount of sweet talking was getting me out of that one, but you get the point.

Now you know some things to avoid, here are some things to look out for. The one thing that jakes swear by is that they don’t have a quota system. Wrong! They might not call it a quota but it exists. The beginning and ending of the month apply still, but keep in mind some police departments have switched this up and made it mid month just to fuck with us.

Another thing to look out for is hidden spots. Cops are sneaky. They love to find a shady spot and camp out waiting for some poor schmuck to come along. Here’s where they love to hang out.

1) Over a crest of hill
2) Around a turn in the road
3) U-Turns on highways
4) Behind Bill Boards
5) Behind Sound Barriers
6) Behind Bushes and other trees
7) Behind Over Passes

Keep an eye for speed traps, and make mental notes of locations on the highways you drive often. I always act like these known locations have a cop in them, I make sure I’m doing the speed limit way before i make visual contact.

If and when you get nabbed another thing to look out for is the rank and type of the officer. Nothing pisses a cop off more then when you call them the wrong rank.

1) If the Oinker’s uniform has three or more stripes, chances are they are a Seargent.
2) If the Pig’s uniform has one or two stripes it usually indicates a Corporal.
3) An Oinker with no stripes but in a State Police car is a Trooper.
4) If the cop has no stripes and a County car he is a Deputy.
5) If you aren’t sure, stick with “Sir.” Don’t call them an Officer. I had a Seargent once grill me on this

Just a few more odds and ends. Always have your license, insurance and registration out on your lap, window down and your hands on the steering wheel. This will make the cop feel at ease. The cop will be able to see you as he is walking up and see your hands, this is very important. Drive safely.

Stay Tuned